While in the detention center I passed my time reading and studying. I would devour books, sometimes reading 2 a week, when I would lose interest in the fiction, I would read the Bible. Studying daily, applying scripture to my own path in recovery. My knowledge and curiosity would grow with every passing chapter. Mail out studies, Our Daily bread, and the In Touch monthly readers. A Proverb for each day, and a Psalm studies on the weekends. I would grow in faith and understanding, I would learn to seek His will in my life. When I left the jail I joined Pleasant View Baptist Church in Port Deposit, I introduced myself and laid it all out on the line. I told the pastors and everyone I met my story. It was the first time I found acceptance and love. No one judged me by my past, saved and renewed I am a reborn Christian washed in the blood of Christ. As I grew In the lord and within the church I would volunteer for different positions. Helping in a variety of ministries, celebrate recovery was the hardest. It also brought home the hurts that us addicts put those around us through. I felt first hand disappointments as the men and women my wife and I invested in fell off the wagon. We would invest in people and build a team for support within the group then one person would fall short and the group would self implode. Time and time again the addicts in my circle would let me down. I came to see it as a test to my faith, to see if I was ready for the roles ahead of me.
I can only ask forgiveness from those around me I hurt. There are people whom only wanted to assist in my recovery and I disrespected them. I took advantage of there trust and for that I do ask forgiveness. For the ones whom I used and used me, the feeling is similar only I give forgiveness as well, because the only way I can heal is to let go of the abuse. I would receive a first hand account of what pain is like loving a addict, I would work with countless men during my time leading the recovery program at the church. In that time I would watch as some where able to find sobriety and retain it to this day, while other still struggle and some have lost the battle. While in active addiction I did not view myself through the same lens I do now. A new perspective after 10 years of life experience, I now can look back on many failed attempts by those around me. Some who had no reason other that a loving character. I can look back and see where I made the choices although at the time they did not seem so large. I had no idea that simple alterations on the path would lead to such a horrible destination. I see it as people I gravitated towards and away from, advise from one that was headed and another whom I would mock. Looking back now I would follow the derelict and mock the successful person.
I thought when I started the recovery program that I was carrying the message as described in step 12, I had no idea that God had other plans in store. When I became the spiritual leader in that group it changed my perspective in such away that I needed to reevaluate my step work. New perspectives will do that to a person in recovery. I needed to take new inventory and re assess relationships to see whom else I hurt along the way and to seek mediation for my wrongs. Some people who I hurt were hurting others and I can not disclose their secrets for my own closure. I give those ones back to God and pray for forgiveness in those situations. He knows the whole situation and my heart. For anyone reading this and asking why? It is because we must offer the forgiveness and let it go to begin to heal. That we can not allow those who damaged us to live rent free in our heads. Forgiveness is about personal growth in our recovery, a higher level of maturity reached and our ability to process the emotions for what they are.
It has always taken a scar to remind me of the lessons of life, from walking and riding a bike to my own recovery the scars are there and all a necessary evil. They were for me at least. Almost 10 years sober I have experienced a lot in my life, there is pain and tragedy in my past but no hurt has compared to the hurt associated with being a addicts victim. I didn’t see myself in this manor with my mother because my perception was different. My mother did not identify as a addict and seen no error in her ways. Judgement complete FUBARed, she was numb to everything and that hurt came hand first hand from her own hurts, habits and hang ups.
No God had different plans, the teacher would learn the lesson and receive a whole new perspective on addiction and the consequences of.
We Do Recover…
From Redpoint to Recovery; The road less traveled 