Powerless:

We’ve all heard the saying that hind sight is 20/20.

I can not say for sure where I discovered that I was powerless over my addiction but there are a handful of memories that stand out among the others. There are 2 times that stand out while I was at work, those being the first times I remember going through withdrawal symptoms. Both times would be at work and nearing the end of the day. During one of the times I was working at the local boatyard. I remember finishing up my duties for the day and asking to go home early with an upset stomach. While in active use it was not uncommon to have digestive tract issues due to the drugs and there affects on the body. Thinking about using, the cravings would bring out the bubble guts, or extreme use would cause constipation and cramps. A vicious double edged sword. I remember the cravings that day, taking over and consuming me. I would ride a scooter to work, about a 20 minute ride from Redpoint to Shelter cove, it would be one of the longest trips home I ever had.

The other time, I believe after the boat yard job, I was working with a friend of my brothers. He owned his own business and I was employed as his helper. We had finished up on the job site for the day and were ready to depart for home. I had amped myself up thinking I was getting off work and I was ready to get high. The boss man had other plans, there was a jobsite on our way home that he needed to stop at for measurements and to discuss some things with the homeowner. This time I did not become physically sick as before, it was all in my head. I remember sitting in the passenger seat of the work truck and having cold sweats. My skin was starting to crawl and the restless leg syndrome was kicking in. I was experiencing my first withdrawal symptoms. I remember becoming irritated and restless, losing all patients for the situation and wanting to go home. Angry, upset, and confused. At the time I did not know what was going on, the cravings were strong and I thought nothing of it. I just went home and got high, the cravings would calm and the withdrawal symptoms would recede, for now.

Sometime in 2007 my father would evict my brother from my grandmothers home. A problem had arose and it could only be remedied one way. He had to go, which meant Gom’s house was empty. Now it was my turn to play house just as he had showed me. I moved into Gom’s house when he vacated it and things would start to escalate here. Before my brother was made to leave the family compound, mom would give the drugs to my brother or one of his friends. Problem was, the money did not always come back in the right amounts. They would be short on count, either drugs or cash and it was getting out of hand. Another of the reasons my brother had to go. He to was developing a addiction and it was affecting the family. At this point everyone habitual used on the property. The only person who I never saw do drugs was my brothers wife. She would trip on acid 1 time that I remember. She would end up hiding under the blankets on a bad trip and never use again while I was present. My family was a different story, my dad, mom, uncle, and brother were all habitual offenders for drug use. Myself included at this point. I can remember habitually smoking weed the earliest. Pills would be introduced by my step brother (more on him later) After my brother left the homestead I got full control of selling the family’s product and would lead the criminal empire from my grandmothers house. The party was in full swing.

My third memory of withdrawal in the beginning was after moving into Gom’s house. I remember laying in my bed, cold sweats and crawling skin. several days until dad would go to the doctors and get his prescriptions filled. It would become a common occurrence, the last week of the month I would suffer. My mother would feed me the narcotics until none were left. When she would try and tell me no I could manipulate the situation just as she had showed me. I would always get what I wanted in the end until there were none left, then I would have to fend for myself. The early memories of withdrawal are exactly that to me; suffering. Until this point in my addiction the drugs had never shown there control, there was always a steady supply and I never went without. What started as a weekend warrior would become a daily habit. Life would become monthly or weekly. My father went the the pain doctor every 30 days. I had other people in my circle that were doing the same thing as my father. All in all between 4 people we had every week prescribed. There would be no more sick… The problem here was my addiction knew no boundaries. The more that became available, the more I wanted, The more I needed, the more I did. My mother would hand me pills like candy, I can remember saving the morphine 100’s, within a weeks time I could have 10. That’s exactly what I wanted to, I would save up the morphine’s and eat as many as possible at once. I would eat 6 or 8 and sniff 2, more at time’s. My addiction was growing stronger and with it the need for more. Always over achieving and pushing the limits.

I recognize this as the moment I was powerless to my addiction. It was at this time that my drug use started to effect my daily life, costing me jobs and friendships. At this point I was turning dark, my drug seeking behavior had started with faking injuries to trick my mother into feeding me the pills, now had surpassed morality. Lying and stealing to get money to go buy drugs. Becoming the normal in my life. No matter what or whom, no one stood between me and my fix.

On Psalm Sunday in 2009 I would attend church services with my girlfriend at the time, her mother and her niece. I did not go to church the week prior or the week after, and I’m not sure what at the time made me go. The girlfriend and her mother maybe ? I can not say for sure, what I can say however is that it was part of God’s plan to heal me and then use me to carry the message. Begging for forgiveness it would take 3 more years to be able to forgive myself and start to heal. I rededicated my self to God on May 5, 2013 and God has done miraculous things for my family and I.

I would walk down the aisle, kneel at the alter and ask Jesus into my heart and my life. I did not understand at the time what I was asking for. However now with hind sight I understand. In 2007, my brother would leave the homestead and create a vacuum. I would step into this vacuum and become lead drug dealer. By 2008 I was fully hooked on the drug I was selling and spiraling out of control. In 2009 I would get saved and Jesus would dump me on my head. I did not understand at the time that by inviting him into my life would mean I had to change. With Christ in my corner I was able to face the world, only problem would be I had to be stripped down to be rebuilt. I would be stripped of everything, God would need to do a full rebuild on my heart to show me how to enter into recovery. over the course of 3 years, from being saved in 2009 to sentenced in 2012 God had a plan for my life.

The first meeting I would attend would be in 2010, I remember going into a churches basement telling the room I was a addict and I was powerless over my addiction. I would grab that first white tag and the transition would be started. I would not surrender my will that easy though. It would take rock bottom 3 times before I woke up to my own disease. Loosing friends and family was not enough, It would take the loss of my freedom to finally shock me into submission.

STEP 1

We admitted we were powerless over our addiction, that our lives had become unmanageable.

WE DO RECOVER…