MY ADDICTION IS:

Cunning, Baffling, Powerful, Insidious

My addiction is:

Cunning: Skill in deception; also see crafty: skill at deceiving.

How is MY disease of addiction Cunning? My addiction deceived me in many ways. It masked my problems some problems that I was causing by using were blamed on other people or other sources. It led me to believe that it was helping me. To think that sing was a way to deal with life’s problems also if not to deal with life by using. I was tricked into thinking that my problems would go away. Little did I know that not only did they not go away they multiplied and/or got worse. I thought that I could stop when I was ready., That I was in control. That it was simple and if I could shake off the sickness that came with not using then I could shake the dependance to the drug. I was unaware just how strong  its hold over me was and still is. I have long since gotten over the physical side of my drug use. I struggle everyday with mixed emotions about using and what I am able to do whether I can maintain or not. Even thought it no longer has hold over my physical state I still feel its power to control over my mind and try to manipulate my thoughts back to what the once were. To make me believe it’s a “friend” that it was helping me to handle life. In reality my addiction/drug use was skilling me slowly. Changing me both physically and mentally tricking me into doing the unthinkable. Making my body destroy itself just to get through to that fix. I was deceiving myself from the very beginning of my using and could not see it.

Baffling: to confuse; also see confuse: To mix up mentally.

How is MY disease of addiction Baffling? My addiction was and still is very confusing to me. It is difficult for me to sort out a lot of the things that I did through my using, I don’t see any logic in my choices. I do not understand what was the driving force behind my insane behavior. I was confused about myself inside and out, tricked into thinking my using was the only way to continue. Believing I was happy when I was miserable. Thinking I was enjoying myself when I was struggling to take my next breath. I thought that what I was doing was normal. That I was okay. That the way I was living could continue the way that it was and no problems would arise. My disease of addiction was killing me slowly but because I was confused about what was going on, unable to sort out my feelings, unable to feel period. I gave my addiction the power to continue to use me for its own good Through my cloud I was manipulated and led astray. This cloud, this fog is close at hand sometimes. I can feel it trying to drift back into my life. Trying to confuse my again. Trying to block what I am working toward. Block what is good and lead me back into a state of drug use again.

Powerful: Possessing great force; also see power(ed, ing, s): To provide with a means of propulsion.

How is MY addiction powerful? My addiction was in control of everything in my life. When I ate, if I ate, what I ate, when I slept, where I slept, how long I slept, weather I was happy or angry. Who I hung out with, where I hung out at. There was not any part of my life, or daily routine that was not influenced by my addiction and the hold it had on life. All of my friends were drug buddies. 99% of the places I went and hung out at were drug user hang outs. I did go to my families homes but only if I needed something. Everyday my routine was the same- getting-using-repeat. No matter what it took no matter who got hurt, myself included. My disease did not care about me it only cared about itself. It was in full control and anyone or anything that got in its way was dealt with. Nothing and no one mattered. Not my health, my freedom, none of it mattered when I was committing crimes to get money to use and when I was using my addiction was in full control of my whole life. The only thing that mattered was at the end of the day I was high and my addiction was fed for the day. Then the next day I would repeat the whole routine over again. Every decision that I made concerned my addiction and only my addiction. It came first and everything and everyone else was last. Friends, family, kids, wife/girlfriend did not matter. My addiction did not care and it was in full control. It was the force behind me getting out of bed. It made me do things I would never imagine myself or anyone else doing, and getting away with it. It had full control over my being, I was and am powerless to my addiction.

Insidious: Proceeding in a gradual subtle way, but with harmful effects.

How is MY disease of addiction insidious? My addiction is insidious in one general way. It changed me into a person I never thought I would or could become, As my addiction progressed so did my bad behavior. My change in lifestyle my concept of right and wrong. What was acceptable and what was not. I had certain morals that I was taught things that I was proud of. Honesty for one…over the course of my using I turned into a monster. No one was safe, I would go to any means to achieve my goal of getting high on any given day. I’d steal from anyone and my family friends and those that were closest to me were my first victims because I believed they would not get me into trouble. They would just write off the loss. In the early days of using I always had a job and I believed one must always work to support yourself. Drugs got in the way of this belief as well and soon I was bumming money until my credit was no longer good and then I was forced to steal. My addiction also changed my social patterns. I once had a lot of hard working honest good hearted friends. Once I started heavily using I started avoiding these people and spending more and more time around others who were using as a means to cope with life. In a 5 year period I can look at my life and see that I pushed the good people away and invited the evil people even closer to me. Today I would never think of speaking to some of them but through my addiction I made myself believe they were friends and that there behavior and mine was normal just a part of that life. We were only doing what we needed to do to survive. This change took a long time with many small decisions taking a toll on my mind and my conscience changing me into someone I no longer recognize when I look into the mirror. I never set out to be this way and I have hurt a lot of people through my behavior and along the way did things that are among things I never knew I was capable of. Choices that came about because my addiction took over and made it all seem okay. Nothing else mattered when I let my addiction dictate my life. It took over and it was all that mattered to me. I let myself go. Allowed myself to be led astray. Turned into someone that no longer cared about his life or anyone else that may be affected by my own behavior.  In the beginning everything mattered and I felt in control once my disease took over slowly I changed. Nothing mattered and my addiction was in full control.

Cunning: Baffling: Powerful: Insidious: Each of these traits feeds the other. Without anyone of them my addiction loses its ability to control my life. My addiction has power over me because it is cunning. It is cunning because it can baffle me. It is insidious through its power to cunning. It is baffling because of its ability to be cunning and sure enough the cycle is repeated and fueled in many ways…many, many more ways.