I wrote this while incarcerated.
Original writings dated May 5, 2013
Edited for spelling errors only from my original writings so please bare with the ramblings and run on sentence patterns.
Preoccupation with addictive behavior drug seeking and drug using through my addiction finding ways to use were my top priority. I would wake up every morning and it would be my first priority. Getting my fix. Although sometimes it was not even waking up because I would be up all night up to no good searching for a way to make money or looking for something to trade so I could buy my drugs the next day. I can remember staying up all night going through an abandoned house that was full of this persons things and searching for things of value. Once I had it (item of value) I would then be in to step two- where can I take it and sell it or who will trade me drugs for this. Step three- once I had money now who has got some drugs that I can buy, once I had my drugs then I could relax I would go home and be high and tired I would crash out and sleep. Only when I woke back this whole process was repeated.
Immediately or ultimately unsuccessful attempts to control my use, I can remember many unsuccessful attempts to try and stop, once I had gotten to the point of being sick and tired of being sick and tired, I went to NA once or twice but could not get into it because I felt judged because I was tagging along with my baby’s mom. We were split up at the time and I just thought everyone was on her side so it scared me away. I never went back until came I to jail and now I enjoy the meetings that are brought in. Another time was when I had got my probation reinstated. I was failing every drug test and most times was not even reporting like I was supposed to. I went to court and got it all reinstated I told myself that was it I got my second chance and I needed to make the most of it I tried to quit cold turkey…I did not even make it 12 hours. I had court on a Thursday and did not have to report until the following Tuesday. I found myself making excuses like I can use today and I will stop tomorrow until my final excuse was 3 days before reporting and when it didn’t work I told myself it only takes 3 days to clean your system so as long as I don’t use today I will be good, I used that day and all the rest that followed and I did not report to probation and ended up being violated again. Nothing could help me stop back then because I don’t think I wanted it.
Increase of amount frequency of use- I would have to trace this back to my child hood. I was 7 when I tried cigarettes for the first time I was 11 when I smoked weed and was 15 when I tried pills. Oh and I was like 7 when I had my first drink to. From this early age I can see that I was always looking forward to my next high or drunk to the point I started planning out weeks in advance when where and what I would drink and this behavior just amplified when I switched to opiates. Looking back I see the destructive pattern that I fell into from beginning to end. Even at the beginning of my drug use I would only do certain pills. Then at the end I was doing anything that would give me my fix. Along with this change in preference I can also see that I started off using small mg pills and slowly increased consumption. Like I would take 1 or 2 Percocet 5’s in the beginning. Then I would take 3 at a time and as this continued I switched to high mg pills. To the point that at the end of drug use(before coming to jail) I needed 3 30mg oxycodone. My sure sign and reminder that my amount did indeed increase.
Effects on physical health- My physical presence was not changed much I only ever lost about 10 lbs. I never had any ailments due to my using I do have a few dental problems but nothing that is noticeable unless pointed out. I do experience pain in my liver/kidneys every now and then. I’m not sure which but upon release from this place (CCDC) I do plan on going to a doctor to get checked out thoroughly. All and all I have been extremely lucky that my physical condition did not suffer more from the abuse that I put my body through while active addiction ruled my life.
Effects on my emotional state- My emotional health suffered severely I used drugs to cover up the feeling I was having that I did not know how to deal with. Growing up my family was not a “Loving” family. We did not talk about our feelings or express them for that matter. My parents never taught me how to feel or show my emotions and from a early age I learned how to use drugs to make them go away. In the end the only emotions I think I had were anger and sadness but the sadness made me feel weak so I would cover it with more drugs or drink. Until I was in a false paradise that when it faded left me very angry with myself and the would toward the end of my drug use. The only emotion that was left was being scared and suicide became my only real escape. Until I came to jail I thought about taking my own life several times a week. When I was sick (withdrawal) or when I was high I was not happy. It was like that was no longer possible. I was mad at myself and did not like myself any longer and was ready to end it all because I was emotionally broken inside and out.
Effects on my family and social life- I pushed all my family away not that I had much family to begin with because through my moms active addiction she has alienated herself from all her family (6 sisters) which in return separated myself from that part of my family as well. On my dads side I only have a uncle and he actively uses as well so he was a drug buddy more then he was a family member I actively used with my uncle randy (my dads brother) the rest of my family I am only now starting to build relationships with my moms side of the family. My direct family is my mom and dad who enabled my drug use so that I would not stray from them. My mom used my addiction as a control tactic. As long as I depended on her to get my drugs I guess she thought she has me wrapped around her finger. It didn’t work my mom and dad have since passed away and I’m sorry to they never have or will get to see me live a clean life. I also have a brother who I don’t talk to anymore because the drugs came between us, I have started to work things out with him but that can only go so far because he is still in active use to this day. I have no friends left. I have a few people who I thought were my friends during active addiction but slowly but surely they all showed me that drugs are far more important then my friendship. As far as my social life went or goes I had no social life unless I was getting or using and then if I did anything for fun or enjoyment drugs had to be apart of it or I did not want to participate drugs ruled every aspect of my life.
Effects on my spiritual life- I’m not sure what this means, but at the same time I don’t think I have ever had a spiritual life because my addictive nature started in my childhood everything I knew was surrounded by drug use, That was all I knew it was all I did and it was all that I was used to. I will probably be able to write more on this later on down the road to recovery but right now I’m not sure what this means exactly so I answered or responded to the best of my ability.
Effects on my work- What work? I have not had a job in about 5 years and my last long time job was about 7 years ago since then my longest job might have been 5 months. The only time I was worried about working was when I was having trouble finding ways to afford my drugs. Most of the time since my parents went to the doctors and were prescribed I just mooched off of them and everything was provided- food, housing, drugs, and everything and anything else that I needed. I did not try. I know now that all of this was the destructive behavior that led to my full fledged addiction. Now that I am trying to find myself and work on my recovery this horrible work history is coming back to bite me in my ass. I have been looking for a job and my work history and my record combined keeps scaring off all my potential employers.
Effects on my character- honesty, generosity, and ability to act according to my own values. My addiction changed me into a monster, I was raised by my grandmother who always was a “saint” raised me to always tell the truth not to steal and to be the person who would give you the shirt of his back. My addiction transformed me into a liar, I would lie to my own mother to con her our of money so that I could get high. I would steal form any one who was around me. It did not matter who or what if I needed to get high I would take whatever I thought I could sell to buy my drugs. And generous? No way those things went out the window because I was greedy, I wanted it all for myself and with anyone. All this to me is a way that my values went out the window. I know now that this is not the way to live a healthy life. I would never have acted in such a selfish way had drugs not taken over my life.
Insane or strange behavior- I can say that all of my behavior was insane. I was constantly breaking the law to be able to afford my habit. I repeatedly tried the same ways to quit hoping that each time could be my last, want it so bad but every time was the same, I would always turn right back to drugs, afraid to live life without them because I did not know what the next day would bring. No matter how bad thing should get, no matter how much I wanted to quit because I know that drugs where the main cause I couldn’t In my mind that is the most insane behavior. I knew what I needed to do and nothing could change me.
Destructive behavior against self, other, and property- My whole addiction was destructive to all of the above. Because I cared more about getting high then my friends, family, and possessions. I would go to any means to obtain my drugs. I ruined my family’s trust, bred ill feelings towards myself with all my loved ones. I stole from my family and my friends. Nothing mattered when I was using not my health not my feelings not your feelings. The only thing I cared about was my next fix. I took all my own belonging that I had worked hard to buy and acquire and sold them off so that I could buy drugs when I ran out and had no other choice but to go without or sell stuff. I always chose drugs over everything…myself my family, my friends, even my girlfriend and daughter. It is why I am writing this from a detention center right now but it is what I needed to see just how destructive my behavior was and to realize what I needed to do to correct it.
Accidents and other dangerous situations cause by my use- I am lucky enough to say that I never caused or was in any car accidents or anything like that but my biggest dangerous situation I can think of is what I did to end up in jail and coming to jail. Being placed into the environment dealing with these type of people has had a major effect on my character and before I found myself and started down my path to recovery I was becoming a mean violent person just trying to adapt to this place and everyone with these walls, I don’t really remember to much of my using days. Some memories come back but not all and the only dangerous situations I recall are all the tines when I was doing illegal night time activities to support my addiction. I thank god that I did not meet that one home owner who shot first and asked questions later. I’m sure I can add to this list later down my road to recovery for now though this is what I have.
From Redpoint to Recovery; The road less traveled 