Released with restrictions.

In September of 2013 after 17 months, I was released from incarceration and allowed to reenter society. There would be a mountain of requirements to maintain my freedom. Probation would start out with three contacts per week with my supervising agent. Two in person contacts and one over the telephone. I would report to probation on Monday, call in on Tuesday or Wednesday and report again on Thursday. Starting out I would also be required to drug test twice a week, Mondays and Thursdays. I would report for probation as required, take a drug test, talk with my Probation agent, then out the door. I would leave probation and have to head across town for drug classes. Starting out in intensive outpatient classes (IOP), this is were my recovery took shape. It would take me 18 months to completely get away from the drug classes. I would get angry about the other participants in the groups that would show up high or drunk and ruin my ability to learn and grow. Early in my recovery the instinct to run was still heavy on my shoulders, I was in fact a runner and spent three years on the run from Bounty hunters and the state of Maryland. It was fight or flight and looking back now I am glad I chose to fight. I would leave and return to class three times before completing the IOP portion of it. What was supposed to be 12 weeks I turned in to 10 months. The standard outpatient treatment that I graduated from was no different.

When I was in the IOP program, the counselors were the same people that brought ARC into the jail. Some of those relationships I forged still continue to this day, although not as closely maintained as before. I have grown out of their circles in my recovery and new addicts have entered. Now others require their help more than I do and they are still there catching people when they fall. I really enjoyed the IOP program, the first counselor I had there would do a lot to guide my recovery principles.

She was who helped me catch my first break within the system. I was following my requirements for probation so they accommodated me a little bit. Between my work schedule and the probation requirements I was stretched thin, to make things easier on me they altered my IOP attendance requirement. Classes for IOP would be Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday starting at 6 P.M. and ending at 8 P.M. I would attend classes on Mondays and Tuesdays, then be excused from the Thursday class in exchange for a one on one every Wednesday with my counselor. My counselor was a very special lady and did everything she could to accommodate me and to guide me in my recovery. The one on one sessions were never for a scheduled time “Just come in on Wednesday and I’ll be with you as soon as I can” she would say, since I had to visit my probation officer on Wednesdays I would just leave the her office in the district court house and ride over to the health department.

Looking back now I remember sitting in her office during one of our one on one sessions and complaining about the other group participants. She told me that every one takes a different path to recovery and what works for some may not work for others. I was committed and I thought that some others were not. Some were simply playing the game the judicial system has developed. I believe this is why she took the extra time with me. To guide and care, because sometimes that’s what we need to help get us started in the right direction. About 8 weeks into my first attempt at IOP my counselor would be transferred. A issue had arisen that cost her the position and she was removed. For what reason I was never told, all I knew is I lost my friend. The new counselor would take over and I would not return. The first counselor had control over her meetings and classes. After she left the environment turned rotten. The bad apples were spoiling the whole bushel. I spent about 18 months total at the health department and in that time I watched four or five people escorted away by the boys in blue for selling drugs or buying drugs while they were at class. The part that always drove me to leave was the drug use during class. Actively nodding out during group sessions. The scratching and rubbing associated with the drug user behavior. It all disappointed my expectations so I would leave

My probation officer would ask If I had been attending my meetings, I would answer truthfully with a explanation and she would give me a few weeks and then she would start pushing… If I did not attend my classes I would be in violation of my probation agreement and she could affectively send me back to jail. So I would return to the health department complete the treatment program, receiving my certificate of completion from both of those programs, it was one of my first actual achievements in life. I worked through it and finished it no matter the quitting and the failure, I would see it through and satisfactorily complete their programs. Two attempts at outpatient treatment and I would say goodbye to the health department. I would return for some “H and I” ( hospitals and institutions) commitment work and for a round table meeting.

During my stay at the detention center I began to read, the only thing in there to pass the time. I would loose myself into books. I would request information from every available resource. The staff at the jail and counselors that would bring ARC into the jail would always assist me with what I needed. The correctional officers would google and print things out for me, I was always reading, studying, trying to learn all I could about how to get better. The reading and studying would serve me well during my recovery journey and to this day it is a favorite pastime of mine.

When I was in my tenure with the health departments treatment programs I would lead my classes from a standpoint of knowledge. Somehow I would always become second fiddle to the teacher and do my own portion of leading the classes. Those days started me on the path for a 12 step recovery and showed me just how important carrying the message is. Still to this day as it was back then, my stance is simple, if I am going to win this battle I need to know as much as possible about addiction and about myself and itself in relation to myself. This is where I would study the science about how addiction transforms the brain, digesting the research and learning as much as I could. I would look at my own experiences of active addiction, about active incarceration and then about active recovery.

With the help of my counselors, others around me in my private life and a few of my group members that were working the program, I would start to excel at the program. I would always apply myself and actually use the program for the intended purpose, the skills I was learning I still use to this day in my recovery. Just another part of that strong foundation I needed. Always completing projects, participating in group share and leading in certain activities, it was noticed by the leadership in the heath department that I was well read and had strong opinions about the tactics employed at municipal levels, both legislative and judicial.

( simply stated ” we can not legislate our way out of the addiction pandemic, It is a social issue. primarily to blame on the failed family unit thanks in part to welfare system government overreach” rant over…)

Myself and one other person in the class were asked to participate in a round table discussion with local representatives, mostly politicians there were a couple people from the state and the local law enforcement representative was there briefly. We discussed issues facing the recovery community, how each of us with experience viewed the situation and how the pandemic that has become active addiction has taken over our county Not just families or “bad” neighborhoods, now entire communities are affected by the consequences of habitual use that knows no mercy. We discussed in detail cause and effects of certain programs, programs that breed dependence on the system. Programs that could be more effective if they had more funding and even some things that could be dissolved because they did more damage than good. We also discussed the problems stemming from active addiction, at that time crime was way up, in fact I knew three different crews who were funding there drug habits with daytime home burglaries. The cause and effect of the reciprocal cycle with no end in sight because we treat symptoms and not problems.

The meeting with the representatives went well, I even believe I heard some of my own points used for there talking points on the issue in there next electoral races. In the last ten years the recovery community has blossomed in and around Cecil county and the local politicians, town and county alike have really done their part to help nourish the growth. I am truly fortunate and forever grateful for the people who guided me early in my recovery and for all the experiences I had as a newbie reformed drug addict. Both good and bad those experiences helped me build the foundation I built my recovery off of. I do not know how it may have turned out if things had been different in any aspect. It becomes a higher power moment where I knew God had my back and was my guiding light through the darkness. This recovery memoir has become my next step on the journey. To share my experiences on the recovery journey, to bring hope to those who still suffer and to open the eyes of those who don’t know, have no addict experience, so maybe you can find a different perspective.

We do recover…